My Dinner with Predator: How a Predator Eats

I was thinking recently about the Predator’s mouth (as I often do on cold, lonely nights), and I noticed a slight design flaw.  Not its nightmare vagina appearance, well sort of, but not the fact that it looks like a succubus’s private parts but because it really doesn’t work as a mouth.  The primary function of most mouths is to eat some sort of food, but the primary function of the predator’s mouth is to be pointed at while someone (most likely your friend Ricky) shouts, “Oh, damn!”

As mouths go it just doesn’t work.  Scary and disturbing?  Yes.  Functional?  Probably not.  Here’s the problem—count them up—the Predator species has 10 teeth.  10 teeth!  And four of those are on those little pincers around his mouth, so only six of them are really devoted to any chewing/biting power.  That’s barely enough to eat applesauce! Meaning Predators either have the dietary habits of your average baby or that of a snake. 

Open wide and say, 'Arrrgh’

Paste Theory

Like Robocop, the Predators subsist off a "rudimentary paste that sustains their organic systems."  The fact that Robocop eats baby food is pretty good evidence that a big, strong killing machine can thrive off the stuff.  Baby food is probably also convenient for space travel like astronaut ice cream or Tang, or like military MRE’s  (which are a little more like dog food, but I think a Predator might enjoy that more though). I do have a hard time believing that the Predator race has the manufacturing infrastructure and know-how to market and mass produce Brand X Predator baby mush (with the meaty gravy that babies crave).  However, this same sentiment could also be suggested for spaceships/space travel.  I like to imagine that faster than light travel requires more book reading and less laser shooting.  Most likely if they do eat some sort of gruel it is composed of the bones of their fallen prey; any meat grinder would do in that case.

Swallow Theory

Predators don’t have teeth because they don’t need teeth, they simply swallow their food whole.  Chewing is so primitive, any futuristic society would most likely evolve beyond teeth.  It’s like in <em>The Jetsons</em>, where everything’s in pill form.  If science has told us anything it’s this:  evolution goes amoeba ► fish ► fish-monkey ► monkey ► Brendan Fraser ► Me ► reptilian bounty hunter (rastified 10%) ► pure energy (just wait until I get my energy rays all up in this hood). 

It also explains those little insectoid palps on the side of its face (Tooth 1, 4, 5, and 10 in the figure above).  Like an insect or crustacean these appendages are there to help cram various foodstuffs down the ol’ throat hole.  Not chewing also explains why Predators are so low energy.  Swallowing food whole is hell on a digestive system, it’s like eating a big turkey dinner at every meal.  When you look at it, Predators really don’t get done nearly as much predatorating as they could. They’re invisible and have laser guns, it should take no more than 5 minutes to kill Arnold and his entire squad.  Instead the Predator spends most of his time napping in trees.  The daily activity of the Predator probably goes something like kill, eat, nap, kill, eat, nap, wax dreadlocks, string shark tooth necklace, kill, eat, nap.

So, what’s in a Predator’s diet?  Anything it can fit in their mouths, I guess.  If it’s anything like a snake then any small mammals, birds, or eggs will do.  Or any of these fine foods:

Predator vs Hotdog

Predator vs Popsicle

Predator vs Banana

Predator vs Corn

The Predators' mouths and jaws may not be effective, but, at least, it doesn’t have a second mouth inside its first mouth.